Top Ten Special Singers
The word special has varied meanings, depending on whether you are referring to the blue plate special, special education or a Saturday Night Special. (“Special shout out to my Skynyrd fans out there.) But there is a special that is so special it deserves its own area of special-ness. I’m speaking of course of “special singing”.
If you grew up in a small church, particularly in the south, you grew up with a phenomenon of Sunday morning worship called “special singing”. The fodder of probably hundreds of misbegotten American Idol auditions, special singing gives those that enjoy singing the opportunity to do so for God and His children.
The announcement for this event usually goes something like this: “Miss Mamie has the special this morning. Come on up here Miss Mamie and share what the Lord has laid upon your heart.” The problem is, as Garrison Keillor put it, that “The desire to perform is not necessarily indicative of talent.” Thus you get several types of “special singers”. Here are the top ten:
· The “Opera Star” – This is the lady that has no professional training, but is determined to deliver as though she has the starring role in Carmen at the Met. The only thing louder than her voice is the grating of your own teeth as she hits the high notes with maximum volume. You can actually see that little thing in the back of her throat just like the cartoons.
· The “Tonally Challenged” – This is the singer that never met a note they can’t flatten. Not quite close enough for the melody, not far enough off to be harmony.
· The “Timing Challenged” – This is the singer using a recorded track that can’t seem to stay in time with the music. If they perform with live accompaniment, they can strip the gears right out of a decent pianist with their stop and go attempts.
· The “Trend Setter” – This is the young or young at heart that pushes the envelope, the comfort level and the patience of the congregants by employing sign language, interpretive dance, or Tibetan nose flute as a means of expression. Always a crowd pleaser and the perfect mood setter for the pastor to have to follow.
· The “Faux Basso” – This is the guy that thinks he can sing bass, when he really can’t. This harmonic testosterone display usually involves a lot of huffing and growling to reach the sub-basement of “Church in the Wildwood” or “Have a Little Talk with Jesus”. Be sure to wipe the spit off the microphone after he gets done.
· The “Beyoncé” – This is the woman that can pack ten minutes worth of vocalization into a three and a half minute song. Her up, down and sideways modulations are guaranteed to make the most standard hymn completely unrecognizable.
· The “Vibrato Virtuoso” – This is the singer, man or woman that has such a distinct and pronounced vibration in their voice, you think they have special effects installed internally. Very useful for shaking the dust off those hard to reach light fixtures.
· The “Talker” – This person can’t decide whether they are up there to talk or to sing. Usually has a ten minute intro for a two minute song. Are they a preacher or a singer? Usually, neither.
· The “Instant In Season” – Supposedly ready at a moment’s notice, but never practiced and unable to remember the words, even when reading their tiny font from the liner of a karaoke cassette box. The sound guy has to be prepared to rewind and re-cue a couple of times for this one, but the really good ones can pass off the dead air space with a spontaneous crying jag.
· “Miss Mamie” – This is the little old lady that stands with a quavering voice, and during her performance, forgets the words, the timing, the tune and where she is. But no one cares, because the sincerity and conviction of her faith open the windows of Heaven and her praise is purified with angelic Auto-Tune.
How many more can you think of?
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